Trail Journal Entry 2

I believe I was two years old at the time, almost three and it was a couple months before Christmas, when I had surgery on my eyes. From my understanding, I had sight problems and a very lazy eye even though I did not officially get glasses until grade four. I remember waking up from surgery, I was in a bed with railings around it and I was in the hallway of the hospital. I couldn’t see. I start screaming for my Grandpa and crying that I couldn’t see. I could feel thick stuff covering my eyes so I couldn’t open them. The thing was, I could still see, even with my eyes closed and covered, I could still see. That is how I knew where I was. Not clearly, more shadowy, could be normal with bandages on your eyes but I have no idea. I heard my Grandfather coming down the hall and could see his tall shadowy figure coming towards me. He was mad, he was yelling at someone at the desk, asking him or her why no one told me I wouldn’t be able to see after.  He came over, picked me up, and talked to me so I would calm down. I told Grandpa later about the man on the ceiling with me.

I remember being taken into the surgery room and being put to sleep. The person (he had a mask on) was telling me it was okay and don’t fight it as he was asking me if I could name all the colours he was showing me. They looked like the little lite bright lights some of had as kids. I remember struggling to keep my eyes open and not fall asleep, I was scared. Then, I am floating above, near the ceiling, that is the next thing I remember and there is a man next to me, talking to me. I can see everything below except for me lying on the bed because of where I was positioned. I was up behind one of the big lights they use in the surgery rooms; it was round, like a satellite dish. I could see all the people in the room wearing their gowns and masks; I could see the tops of their heads. A man was with me was telling me it was okay, don’t be scared, just watch. He told me I could move around to see more. He said it is like flying, like being a bird or a cloud and I wouldn’t fall. I remember holding onto the back of the big metal light and I remember moving over a little to see better, I was watching the grownups and listening to them talking. Moving around felt funny, it was a light floating feeling. He took my hand and slowly moved me over so I was at the top of the bed looking down and not by the side of the bed. I don’t know how long I was watching, but after a bit he said it was time for me to go back to sleep now. I don’t even know what the guy really looked like except he had dark hair and had a nice voice and he wasn’t scary. This wasn’t the last time I heard that man’s voice or saw him. Grandpa said it was my guardian angel, I am still not sure those exist or maybe I just don’t want to know. I have to admit I am very curious. The things that I experienced weren’t dreams; it was different and too real.

Forward a couple years, I am about four or five years old. I had gone to bed and had fallen asleep. All of a sudden, I am in this dream but it is too real to be a dream. I am sitting in a big tree on a thick branch and below me is the water. Waves are crashing against the shore, the wind is lightly blowing, I can feel the tree in my hands, and everything is damp feeling. I can hear, see and feel everything, like it was real. I am wearing my pink nighty with the flowers on them that I had gone to bed in, I am barefoot, and that man is there, the one from the surgery. He is sitting with me in the tree. Come on, he’s telling me. You don’t need me to help you. It is easy, just spread your arms out like a bird, you won’t fall, I promise. I started to cry and was hanging on so tight to the branches around me. I wanted to go home. His back is to me, he has short dark hair and is wearing pants and a shirt, and I never see his face. He tells me I am doing well, I got here okay and I shouldn’t be scared. I tell him again I want to go home. He says, okay, I will take you back. Next thing I remember was waking up with a start, the house was quiet, it was dark out and I was cold.

Forward a couple more years, it is summertime, I am at the pool and I am seven years old. I was on an air mattress and had floated into the deep end of the pool. The mattress flipped as I was trying to paddle with my arms towards the shallower end of the pool. I remember swallowing water and flailing my arms. I went under. The next thing I see is a real blinding bright light, shimmery, like someone shining a spotlight at me. Everything is white but I see shadows and I hear that man’s voice. He says to me, you can’t stay; you have to go back. It was like a tunnel, as you hear people talk about often. That is what I saw. I open my eyes, there are people standing around, an ambulance is there, I am coughing up water, and my chest hurts. I remember telling the ambulance person that the man sent me back he said I couldn’t stay. He gave me a funny look.  

I have had stuff like this happen to me a lot. I don’t know if these examples of my experiences are OBE’s and NDE’s. I have never had anyone to talk to about any of this to know either way. All I know is that a lot of unexplainable stuff happens to me. Just this last Christmas I spent 2 days tearing my house apart looking for my silverware serving set that I needed. Couldn’t find it anywhere. Funny thing was I couldn’t even recall ever using it but I just knew I had one. Described exactly what it looked like in and out, the box, the color, the little latch, how the silverware was laid out in it and on and on to my husband. Hubby insisted we have never had one, I adamantly insisted we did and wanted to know if someone put it away somewhere because it wasn’t where it was supposed to be. Therefore, I was a little mad and frustrated because I needed it and he didn’t know what I was talking about and told me I was losing my mind. Christmas morning kids hand a present from under the tree to hubby from an old friend of his and his wife. Hubby opens it, says, Honey, look at this. I look over and he hands me a box. He is snickering at me; he didn’t even have to open it. His friend and his wife sent us a silverware serving set, exactly the same set I had described to hubby in detail, insisting we had one, which apparently we did not. He called up his friend and told them about what happened. They thought that was cool. He says that sometimes I am just scary. I think in a way that time, I got the last laugh.

I often can tell if someone has an illness that isn’t visible to others or that they aren’t well. I called my own cancer, took the Dr. Almost 2 years to listen to me. I lost my uterus but I am still alive and breathing. I didn’t need that thing anymore anyway. I have seen people appear to me before they died and I have known when people were going to die. I saw my Grandfather when I was in my carport before he died; I was getting ready for a yard sale we had planned that Saturday. I immediately told my husband (ex husband now), that he died and told him to answer the phone when it rings. The phone rang about ½ hour later; it was my Grandmother letting me know he died. I told her I already knew was just waiting for her to call me. My current husband had a call from his Mother around May of 2011, telling him his older brother was finally getting married to his girlfriend. I didn’t like her much, I can tell things about people too. I turned to my hubby and told him immediately after hearing this that if his brother marries her he will be dead within a year. My hubby told his Mother what I said. He died about nine months later, on March 5th 2012, cause of death unknown. I feel guilty. His Mom cries and I feel guiltier. I feel somehow responsible for her pain, even though I know I shouldn’t, I don’t have any control over what is going to happen. This is one of the reasons I wish I knew how to control this stuff a bit better.  I just don’t want to blurt crap out and unintentionally hurt people, scare or freak people out. I don’t know where the on and off button is. Due to the issue I have about lack of control, I don’t go out much anymore. I don’t like being in the crowds, I don’t like all the people and I pick so much up that it is actually exhausting going out in public. If I do, I don’t go alone or for long. I have even stopped driving. I have seen stuff while driving so I don’t think it’s safe for me to drive anymore.

I always feel like I end up with more questions than answers. I am seeing that there are other people like me out there that can do all this stuff I can do and it is being studied and talked about. That gives me some validation. I want to be able to tell people my experiences without being afraid to do so and I want to learn more about me.



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